I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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