Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
