Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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