Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
