Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
