his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
