Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
