Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Randomize
