But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
