Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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