we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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