why didn't you poke me back
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
