My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
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