I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
