If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize