Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
