Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
