Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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