thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
