We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
