Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
