I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
