He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize