three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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