I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
