Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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