Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
