He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
