Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
