Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
i need some magic done to my vagina
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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