yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
