1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
