We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
