she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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