Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
