just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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