I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
