Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
