Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
