Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
they're like a gay fantastic four
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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