I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize