I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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