He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
