Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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