If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
