i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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