It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
