Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
