it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
