Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
