so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
