mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
