you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize