Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
