just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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