god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
