my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
The air was thick with penises
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
