moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
this is an emotional support booty call
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize